“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” ~ John Lennon
When I think back on my happiest memories with my mom, it’s not the big things that come to mind. It’s not the holidays, the vacations, or the big important moments.
It’s the little moments. The in betweens. The almost invisible.
The chats during commercial breaks while we sat in the living room, me doing homework and us half-watching a TV show together.
The conversations in the car on the way to here or there.
The shopping trips to Bath and Body Works and Kohls on Saturdays.
Silly conversations at dinner where no topic was ever off limits.
Baking cookies. Me getting tired and her having to finish the mixing every. Single. Time.
Going grocery shopping and running boring errands together.
Pastina and The Price is Right when I stayed home sick from school.
Making up silly songs and cracking each other up while doing nothing in particular, sharing our weird sense of humor.
The millions of little things she took care of completely invisibly that I’ve realized since becoming a mom myself – the planning, the financials, the logistics, the hundreds of micro-decisions that she made every day that are required just to get everyone through the day, from meals to getting to school on time and juggling after school activities.
This is the biggest lesson I’ve learned in this past 6 months since she’s been gone: the most important moments in life are in fact the little ones. The mundane everyday moments that we think are getting in the way of life…the getting ready, the chores, the cooking, the driving, oh so much driving…Those are actually life.
These are the moments I would go back to in a heartbeat if I could.
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This lesson has transformed the way I show up every day as a mom myself. No more rushing through getting ready for school or getting ready for bed. “Rushing” never gets us anywhere faster anyways. Getting to bed on time doesn’t matter (well, it kinda does) – what’s important is that my daughters feel loved while I help them get ready for bed, not rushed. A random Tuesday after school where everyone’s tired and cranky can actually turn out to be one of the best memories you’ll look back on for years, if you’re able to take a step back from the daily grind and see it for what it is – time with your kids, which is always valuable no matter how it’s being spent. Obviously this can’t be the case every single moment of every day otherwise we’d never get anything done, but there’s always a way to squeeze in some fun into the moments in between.
No matter how busy we are, there’s always time for a quick 90’s music dance party while we do whatever it is we’re doing.
When I notice something has lit up their little faces, I linger in that moment a little bit longer instead of rushing onto the next thing on our to-do list.
I take the time to listen to the extremely long stories, while gently trying to move them through whatever it is we’re supposed to be doing at the same time, rather than getting hyper-focused on the task at hand and missing out on whatever magical and urgent and long-winded thing they’re trying to tell me.
I give them an extra couple of minutes to finish the ever-so-important game or book that they’re in the middle of.
When they ask me to read to them, whenever I can I take a few minutes away from whatever I’m doing that’s so important and sit with them and read the book.
Because THAT is what matters. The quality time in between the busyness.
Doing my best to make the everyday fun and full of love is what matters.
Putting on music while we go through our morning routine so that it’s a fun singalong instead of a slog through a bunch of boring (to them) tasks.
Being silly in the bath, making up songs & games, laughing so hard we all end up snorting.
Clean up dance parties EVERY night (just do it, trust me).
There’s always a lot to do. But my house doesn’t need to be spotless. Yes I need to teach them how to clean and take care of a home, but that doesn’t mean our home shouldn’t look like it’s been lived in that day. We live in our houses, we make messes – the stuff everywhere is a sign that our house is full of life and love.
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So to the moms reading this, my one piece of totally unqualified and unsolicited advice is this: give yourself a break from making everything perfect all the time. This is not what your kids want or need or will remember about you many years from now. They love you unconditionally. What they will remember is how you made them feel on an everyday basis – what it was like in your house on a random Tuesday after school. They’ll remember the little moments and the in betweens. And even though it may feel sometimes like nobody notices all of the things you do for your family…when your kids grow up and have families of their own, they will absolutely know.
Don’t let the days pass by while you aim for bigger and better – you are already doing a great job just by showing up every day, just by being there for the little things.
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To my mom: Happy Mother’s Day. I miss you. Thank you for everything you ever taught me, both directly and through all the things I absorbed from observing you leading me through life all these years. The gifts I’ve received from you are never-ending.